So I was a mother or in some folks eyes a “baby mamma” (Yikes I hate that word) before I was a wife( and after). I struggled tremendously because for the life in me, I couldn’t understand how I ended up in this particular situation (baby mamma) and how this guy was just dropping the ball continuously as far as supporting the (at the time) two children we had together.
The idea that this word refers back to the father as if us women who birth their children are not “sufficient” enough to be referred to by our name or even the mother of our children bothers me. Stop letting people identify you or your worth by calling you “Baby mamma”. You are so much more than that! (Granted this is a deeper issue which I will discuss this further more in a later blog)
The world tells us we are beneath the woman who may have the “wife” title when in reality for a lot of us we can do without that title at least not with “that guy”, we just want “that guy” to take care of “that baby”. Am I right? (For the woman who want the title and do not know how to let go …..look…sistah…just…let…it…go! Future blog coming soon for you)
It was my responsibility (at least in my head) to mention to him every chance I got how he was not meeting my expectation as a father. To remind him of the money he wasn’t giving us and honestly I wanted to make his life hell because he was able to freely live his life and do what he wanted when he wanted, while my teenage years were abruptly cut short due to having baby number one at 17. Surely I was the “victim” he was the “villain” and it was my job to make sure he knew that every chance I got by nagging and simply being the biggest jerk possible.
I wrote the letters in red to point out my drive was influenced by “me” and “my feelings” and what “I” thought. Where is the love in that? Love operates from a selfless approach. Not a doormat approach but a “I will do right by you no matter my feelings and treat you with respect expecting nothing in return” (I Will go deeper with this in a later blog be patient, I got you)
Then it was like a light bulb went off in my brain one day (Holy Spirit) and I literally heard a voice ask me these questions.
“Do you think any of what you are doing is really helping the situation? You are hurting yourself by not forgiving, at the time, young boy. You can’t make him do or be anything, so why work yourself up and try? How about you show him grace? Did he have a father in his life to even teach him how to be a dad? So why are you expecting him to know?”
I cried this day but made the choice that I could not continue worrying about rather or not this guy would ever get it and be there for his children. I had to focus on raising my children and if that meant without their dads help than so be it but I was never going to keep them from their father or mention child support or time spent with the children and the lack thereof anymore. They deserve the best and I couldn’t be the best or give them the best worrying about what their dad was or wasn’t doing!!
I humbled myself, got off my high horse, put my big girl panties on and took care of my responsibilities. I went out of my way to ensure they spent time with their father. I did things most women probably wouldn’t do like drive over 30 miles to drop off the kids and pick them up and even had family days with the children together even though we weren’t together. I did it for my babies.
To all of the beautiful women who struggle with the reality that you may have to raise this baby or Babies by yourself though you did not make them by yourself…You…Can..Do…IT! Truthfully God isn’t asking you to do by yourself…he will walk this out with you if you let him. I know it hurts and it isn’t at all easy but harboring unforgiveness and bitterness is not going to make the pain go away or your load lighter. In fact, harboring unforgiveness will make the load even heavier.
You are worth it. You can do it. You are not alone.
Call to Action:
What is God speaking to you currently?
Are you struggling with the ugly truth surrounding your motherhood?
It’s time to let it go my love!!
I challenge you to channel that energy elsewhere. How about the amount of time you spend being angry at him for what he isn’t doing, spend that energy praying and speaking life & truth over him and let God do the rest?
I wont leave you with a specific prayer to pray this time. I challenge you to respond in prayer though. If you need help or for someone to pray with you please do not hesitate to contact me!